I bought some cream for my face. It was on offer and I’m nearly forty. Snake Venom, it said, will instantly freeze your wrinkles. I dropped it in my basket and moved on to the nappies and wipes. Hang on, Snake Venom? Really? Improved Formula with SYN-AKE, a snake venom-like peptide. That sounds artificial, and toxic, but I really don’t want to look old. Instant Effect Wrinkle Filler, for visibly smoother and plumper skin. Mercury, Botulism, Leeches straight from Medieval Phys

It took me a long time to find a way to look. Bleach and eyeliner, velvet and leather, black and silver. Boots and lipstick, a diamond in my nose. Now this is me. Like it or not. It’s superficial, but it’s an achievement. To know how you want to look. There are other things I know about myself now. I don’t like small talk. Pigeons make me flinch and scream. I love Jack Daniel’s I’ve stopped wanting to like red wine and malt whisky and hip music. When the light’s on, I look al